A message from the Ministry of Sport

Comrade and your comrades! The Games of 1980 are approaching, and the Motherland has chosen you. Not for your technique, which is unremarkable. Not for your temperament. Most certainly not for your looks. You were chosen for this honor because this game is cheap, you are cheap, and you can press three buttons.

Beat yourself alone or beat your friends together across seven athletic pursuits in this retro sports extravaganza:

• 100M SPRINT — Alternate to run. That is the entire discipline.

• 400M — The same, for considerably longer. Pace yourself, or don't. But do.

• HURDLES — Running. Interrupted.

• LONG JUMP — Time the board. The board does not move. You do.

• TRIPLE JUMP — Timing is everything. You mean nothing.

• JAVELIN — Throw a stick far!

• HAMMER THROW — Spin. Throw a ball. Timing is again everything, and again you mean nothing.

Features

• One to four players. Four!

• Four nations to choose from. Four!

• Win the championship. Bring glory to your family.

• Records are kept. Records are always kept.

• Sixteen bits of color!

• No DLC. It's a game!

• Many hand-drawn pixels.

• No passes or subscriptions. It's a game!

• Great value! 3% of GTA VI's cost, 3.5% of its fun.